Me, Myself, and I

(An unpublished post from last year)
Hi,

Erasmus was a beautiful thing; until i became sick.Today is my fifth day and i am still fucking bad. I hadnt been such sick before. Why????? I think the answer is:
NAZAR
Yes. I hadnt thought about it but one of my friends, Meltem told me today that it can be nazar! I beleive it. Even the bracelet i have went through nazar. Just the day after Mili wanted it, i lost it. Now i have it again but i totally beleive nazar.

This is what i have; 'Nazar Boncuğu'.
This protects you from bad eyes. 

Yes everybody,

I am very excited again. Excited and a little bit disappointed right now, because i expected to be rushed by phone calls messages, surprises etc. However, not that much is happening. My mum is being shy to hug me and   my brand-new bf doesnt contact me for a few days and i am %100 sure that he has forgotten my birthday etc.
Whatever, I am one year older today...I am worried that i'm gonna close my eyes and then open them back, then i'm gonna be an old woman!
I will be, one day, i know. But when that moment comes, I wanna think my past and be happy with what I've done. So, i wanna do all! I want to experience every single nice thing in this world so that i wont regret anything when i become old. I think i can do it if the luck becomes with me often.
What has changed since last year?

Selam

     Canım çekti Türkçe yazmak.
     Yarın için pek bir heyecanlı olduğum için dayanamadım yazıyorum. Çünkü yeni bir staja başlıyorum. Elephant Style adlı bir luxery dergisinde. Anlatması açıklaması çok zor bir iş ama benim istediğim, hatta ilerde istediğimden bile fazlası diyebilirim. Her şey craiglistten tanıştığım Brittany'nin eşyalarını satın almamla başladı. Yarın da bakalım TOGY'de başlıyorum. Çok zamanım yok ama elimden gelenin en iyisini yapacağım umarım.
     Bir de bugün kendime İnci'den çizmeler aldım, çok beğendim. Çocuğum belki hala, ne zaman kendime yeni bir şeyler alsam, eve gelince yatıncaya kadar çıkarmıyorum onları. That's what happened today:) Eteğimi, yeni beremi bile çıkarmadığımı itiraf etsem beni ayıplamazsınız umarım. Herkesin tek başınayken yaptığı çocukluklar vardır herhalde. Benim de bu işte:) Ben itiraf edebiliyorum o kadar:)
     Bir de ne kadar şikayet edersem edeyim, evimde kendime vakit ayırabildiğim zaman, dünyanın en mutlu insanıyım...
Öperim.

H.
  

Hi

     As i was freaked out, i was right to be so, because, my dearest friend who became my 'boyfriend' later on attempted to hurt me deeeeeply. I was the last person he should have treated so. I was the only one who was with him all the time when he needs support. I was the one who was more than enough patient with him. Even i was surprised at the fact that i can be that patient and caring and nice. I never treated someone as nice as i did to him. I knew that it wouldnt work. I told him so, when he attempted to call, me talk to me this way, i told him clearly that let's be friends, the other way wont work for us, because we had experienced. But he didnt listened to me, he argued contrary, he said that he changed and he wants to be happy with me and make me 'happy'. I told him many times that i am great, i am doing great without him. But he said he wants to make me happier, with him, he treated me bad before because he was not well either but now he healed, and he wants us to be happy!
     A BIG LIE!!.!
     I was relying on hiö in one point. I thought that he would never lie to me, he was honest, always, i wanted so even though it hurt me too much from time to time. But here we are, a big, dishonest lie....
     Is it true that you should never be too nice to people! Is it better to be an asshole in order to do well in your life?
     I still dont know the answers. But i am very sorry about it. I never meant to come to en end like that. I tried to hurt him, or tell him the truths during our final conversation! May be i hurt him, but the stuff i told him was just the bare truths he should have seen!And it is very true that i am a very strong woman, so i dont suffer or i am not devestated! I AM STRONG! However because he is too weak, he will suffer! Before i did care of him, i did take care of him! But now, since he tried to hurt me that bad, i dont give a shit! It is his life and he will learn to be strong one day. He will remember of me one day, feeling sorry... He knows well from deep inside that i didnt deserve any of these...
    Thanks to his fault, i regained my self esteem! I am great. If he didnt notice it, may be because i was too modest, it is his fault. I feel great now and i know that i am great! The people who will try to get to know me will understand so. For those people, i will be more than nice. For the others who just judge me before getting to know, i dont give a shit. They lose.
   Yeah. That's me.I am very glad that i got my self esteem back! I did need it!
I have been living my life...
   H.


   

Hi
I just started something like a relationship; however literally i am freaking out that i will be sad. I hope i will never get upset by someone. We will see. If he tries to make me unhappy, contrary to what he promised to me, i will just go away...
That's me...
to run away...
until when? boh...
that's me.
H.

Öylesine korkuyorum ki sevilmemekten, istenmemekten, yalnızlıkta buluyorum mutluluğu...
H.

Hi,

     I think now everybody knows that I hate my life in İstanbul. Not because İstanbul is not cool. It is cool, my life is supposed to be cool; however, I am not the person to live that life which has many responsibilities. After six months of travelling, no way to live longer like that.
    Please think of my last 3 months here. I arrived to İstanbul and started the big chaos of classes. Then I had to apply for the job announcements. Because I was living in the dormitory temporarily because I didnt want to live in the dorm but to rent a flat. I didnt ask many people around me. I was thinking that I will just find a room in a flat where the other were already living. However, it didnt happen so; the life is such a desicion maker so we became flatmates with an ex-erasmus friend of me and her friend.
    In the beginning of October, I was going crazy like, going to job interviews, looking for a flat, going to classes, etc. I used to like a guy whom I met in Antalya and the destiny again decided not to allow us to know each other and one day after spending the whole day looking for a flat, getting wet under the rain, not eating anything, then going to my date in the evening...The result is a disaster or disappointment.
   Whatever, then we have found a nice flat, very nice area, close to everywhere. Guess what happened: We couldnt move in for a months because there were bueracratic obstacles such as WATER...
   Because there was not any water we couldnt clean the flat, we couldnt move in.It was tragic.I could hardly afford the rent and I couldnt live in my flat.Then We dealt with it and moved in. Then what happened? The smallest and shapeless room was mine after a lot among us. I was so sad but it is ok now:)
   Then what happened strange in my life was to be very close neighbours with a friend of me who was staying with his girlfriend there. By this way we had the chance to meet often. Then his girlfriend broke up with him and we spent nearly two weeks nearly altogether. We were too different as a person; however, I liked the serenity on him, and i guess I was very interesting and different for him. Now he moved to the other side and I dont think that nothing will be the same.
   I started tutoring four days at a week. I have been working one and a half day in a tourism office. One full day I spent at my tranee school. Three days at a week I have classes from 9 till 6.
   So, I was kind of losing my mind, however there were my crazy weekends. During the week, I barely found the time to breathe, then at the weekends, I was partying crazily.
   However now, I dont like partying either. I like the serenity in my room, dealing with stuff at my flat, reading travel books, or surfing on internet, watching tv or movies.
   I am totally different from past years. My problems are also totally different. I do have many friends this year I dont know how. I remember in the past years I was feeling lonely often. Now, I need to be lonely! To stay alone makes me happy. May be I am not lonely most of the time that's why I enjoy it.
   In those 3 months I have experienced a lot of both nice and unliked coincidences. Yes. I love coincidenced in general; however, I never thought that there could be also bad coincidences. Now I know.
   My life is going out of my control, literally.
   I hate the fact that I have to work to live in İstanbul, because I fucking like all luxury. I hate that feature of me. I eat expensive, I drink expensive, I wear expensive ( even though nowadays I even couldnt have time to shop).
  If I am staying in İstanbul, I demand free time to have an activity for me such as a dance course or theatre course. I'd love to do those!
   However, I want most to RUN AWAY!
   I am worried of myself actually, it seems to me one day will come and I will just decide to go away. Without knowing where, with which money, and without completing my university education. Please God, show the right way. Or else i have been drifting. I need to travel. I dont have enough money to go to Beirut however, I think i am going there. During the break. I need to travel.
  Ohh, I need the patience to live here one more semester. Or even more:( I need to run away at least next year even though the destination will still be Europe. However, I love Spain and the fact that I will learn Spanish make me very happy and optimistic. I need to find a way to go there!
I JUST NEED TO TRAVEL!
Look how happy I used to be:


 My smile is not the same any more.
 I am going to sleep 2-3 hours then I have to go to my trainee school.
 Have a nice life world citizens.
 Xoxo
 H.